Vodka and Choke

Excuse the quality of this blog as I have just woken up with a thunderous head, achy eyes and a throat and tongue so dry it makes me wonder whether I decided to drink sand rather than copious amounts of alcohol last night.

Saturday night out for T.M’s birthday promised to be an event not to be missed – with S.M.J playing tasty dubstep, a room full of attractive people and a few over 18s bands, alcohol was steadily consumed by all. 9PM and I arrive, looking what I suppose is fairly plain but also quite nice, in a new cream dress and heels – albeit to a sneaky bottle of vodka stashed down my tights.

Cut to 2AM and you’ll meet a different girl; soggy footed and carrying my shoes, wrapped in a stolen floor matt from some sort of cupboard, my new cream dress now carrying some interesting black marks from where I’ve given up all hope of getting home and just sat on the curb. Hobbling across the streets of Shepperton and Sunbury, F.B and I have what I thought was a deep and meaningful conversation – in retrospect we talked about Tumblr, 4Chan and who was more ‘indie’.

Thinking back over the night, it’s easy to see when a more sober and rational version of myself would have come in handy. On seeing friends, who will doubtlessly regret it, engaging in a face-sucking session, my immediate reaction was ‘WHHHEYYYYY’, rather than whisking someone away before the heartbreak and disappointment. And when introduced to a friend’s boyfriend for the first time, I’m baffled as to why I thought it was a good idea to sit throwing crisps in her hair and giggling, whilst he glared daggers at me from across the table. I’m equally baffled as to why I thought it was comforting to tell a sad friend all about how much I fancied my boyfriend before he asked me out, or how I once saw a guy she thought was attractive, throwing up everywhere at some other party. I can only thank my busted-up Blackberry for dying halfway through the night, as it saved me from sending embarrassing ‘I1 looeve youuo sow musndch’ texts to E.B, and meant my poor father only had to receive one ‘I’m not coming home yet, see ya tomorrow’, slurred phonecall.

I didn’t mean to end up like this, I honestly didn’t. I just have that awful mindset of ‘oh, one more won’t hurt’, and ‘oh well, might as well have another, keep up with everyone else’, not realising that YES, one more WILL hurt, perhaps not now, but in the morning or when I next check how much money I spent, this one will definitely hurt.
So it is for the sake of my health, mind, clothes and purse that I have chosen to not drink for the whole of November. Amongst other things, abstaining from alcohol for a month is hopefully going to make me feel better about my life. And even if it doesn’t, I’ll have saved my liver some work. I love the flabbergasted reaction everyone seems to have to my choice – ‘not DRINKING?! But what about all the 18ths?’. Well, I suppose I will just have to celebrate the fact you can vote, smoke, get properly arrested, get into clubs, gamble, marry without your parents knowing...

Wild Beasts

Being a vegetarian for 13 years of your life has a few existence-altering effects, beside a low iron intake and an impossibility to find anything decent to eat in 90%of restaurants. And if you were wondering, yes, all I eat is lettuce, and how did you guess, I definitely do want to marry a carrot. Aside from casual bullying and mild inconvenience, it’s something bigger – a fascination with animals. I can sit for hour upon hour, glued to the screen watching Monkey Madness and Meerkat Manor – those little guys never fail to cheer me up or to spark my interest. As a child, I was one of those odd animal-obsessed kids, and was obsessed with the idea of owning a pet lima, pony, kitten, rabbit, lion cub... the list goes on.

So I pretty much thought I’d seen it all – apparently not. Through some excess spare time and a spare bit of googling, I’ve discovered the most astonishing creatures, ones I had no clue existed. These will make your jaw drop, your eyes pop and I can grantee one or two of you will shit a brick at a few of these animals and insects. I’ve gathered the ten most mind-blowing freaks of nature in this list. If you can find anything I’ve missed, I’ll eat my hat – no, screw that, I’ll eat a Rhino Beatle.


10. Proboscis Monkey



This bulbous-nosed monkey may have a huge snout and a bulging belly, but he also is very human-like in appearance. These primates are huge, at an average 72 cm, with an up to 75 cm tail, and weighing up to 24 kg. They tower above the smaller females. They jump a lot as a form of movement, often with their hands out.

9. Micro/Mini pigs



Making something smaller doesn’t necessarily make it ten times cuter, but in the case of these adorable pets, this rule works every time. These teacup-sized pigs were made through selective breeding, initially for medical research, but soon caught media attention and are now bought as pets. Pigs will cost you £500-£700 averagely so don’t go putting them on your Christmas list just yet.

8. Seapigs
Otherwise known as Scotoplanes, sea pigs are found in the very deepest crevices of the ocean, at least 1,000 meters down. Not sure why

they’re called seapigs, because to me they look like inflated condoms. Perhaps I’m just cruder than animal specialists.

7. Star-nosed mole

Residing in North America, this little guy has twenty-two fleshly tntacles to search out his food. His odd nose kind of reminds me of those little frog things children stick to windows. I’m not entirely sure why children stick these things to windows – how is this entertainment? Imagine waking up with those tentacles on your face... Shudder.

6. Komondor Dog

No, it’s not a mop. Nor is it a collection of abused dreadlocks. This is the komondor dog, a large canine with the most fur of any species of dog. I think he’d come in useful in a carwash, but other than that this must be the most high-maintenance dog on Earth.

5. Rhino/Scarab Beetle


If the above video doesn’t make your skin crawl, I think there’s something wrong with you. They’re nocturnal so don’t you dare sleep tonight.

4. White turtle


I don’t think I have to liken this weird, flesh-coloured creature to anything; you can make your own various likenings, depending on the dirtiness of your mind. This little guy is just a normal turtle aside from his odd colouring.

3. Blob fish


Formally known as Psychrolutes Marcidus, these deep sea living creatures sort of resemble a melted fetus. ‘Blobs’ are slightly less dense than seawater, so they float just above the sea bed and swallow edible matter when it passes. Also, they are the splitting image of David Cameron.

2. Aye-aye


Probably the ugliest of the bunch, the aye-aye is a form of lemur, habituated in Madagascar. It’s a nocturnal creature, and its most prominent features are its huge ears and teeth. I don’t know about you, but I think the aye-aye looks like an electrocuted rat.

1. Flying Fox
With a fox-like head and bat-winged body, the flying fox is a jaw-dropping creature. The p.vampyrus is the largest breed, as wings span up to six foot. Most of the p.Vampyrus and Indian flying fox are the size of a child, as seen in the picture above. These odd beings live on nectar and fruits, so don’t panic too much.