We all know Christmas telly can be a bit hit and miss, but it seems that this year we’ve been bombarded with an influx of ‘reality’ TV Christmas specials faker than Amy Childs’s boobs. The problem with Christmas specials is that they are pretty much all filmed a good while before their airing, meaning that no one involved is remotely hyped up about Christmas a the time. This fact has been confirmed by my mother, who shouts ‘KINGSTON ADVERT! KINGSTON ADVERT! At the Morrisons advert, filmed in Kingston market square during the mid-September heatwave. ‘Look how uncomfortable he looks in his coat!’, she yells at the television, as children flit about in fake snow. Due to the extensive time period between filming and airing these adverts, it is difficult to understand how a Christmas Special can seem remotely genuine, when filmed in mid-November.
Here is what will almost definitely happen in today’s most popular unreality shows:
Let us begin with the mother of all reality junk; the Only Way is Essex. The BAFTA-winning series serves to be an indulgent guilty pleasure for the majority of us. The third series was admittedly a little strained – there are only so many times that ‘reem’, ‘shut up’ and ‘vajazzle’ can be said in an episode. The series suffered in the absence of Essex heroine Amy Childs, meaning that story lines also significantly waned. The only big remaining rivalries were between Gemma and Lydia, who unconvincingly fight for the affections of a man who looks as though he is made of Playdough and sweat. But what does the Christmas special hold? Nanny Pat in another novelty outfit, Arg in Christmas jumpers and more twin-related puns from those two scary Greek men. Apparently a bunch of the gang including Joey, Mario and Chloe head to Lapland and stay in a log cabin – cue someone having to explain to Joe that father Christmas isn’t real.Of course, who could forget the excruciatingly painful TOWIE ‘Last Christmas’ single. Christ knows why they were allowed to call this a ‘TOWIE’ single, when the only voices to be heard are those of auto tuned failed girl band member Nicola Wright and Playdough man James Argent. The only other cast contributions are interjections of random dialogue including ‘hurry up James’ and ‘I can’t wait to get my Christmas vajazzle’ – contributions that truly add absolutely nothing to the musical prowess of this song.
Desperate Scousewives is offensive to the eyes, ears and brain cells. According the kings and queens of Scouse reality telly, Crimbo is a time to ‘flash your baubles’. Having only been able to stomach one episode of DS, I have absolutely no idea what’s going on, but from the Christmas episode trailer I can gather that most of the episode is going to consist of glass-eyed women glaring at each other and speaking too fast to comprehend.
Made in Chelsea, which is follow-able and occasionally engaging, also offers a Christmas special this year. If anything, it will be intriguing to find out what people who pretend to have lots of money give each other for Christmas. The episode looks to consist of women glaring at one another almost as much as those in Desperate Scousewives, except for these girls are far less likely to throw their drinks about. Expect a lot of suspiciously real-looking fur, arguments in floppy hats and painfully tasteful Christmas jumpers. Apaz the Chelsea lot jet off to Finland, so look forward to lots of husky-drawn sleigh rides amongst other things us peasants would never be able to afford. Plus, we find out the ‘truth’ about what happened with Hugo and Rosie (I thought we already knew this? Maybe it turns out nobody cheated on anyone, it was all just a misconstrued game of scrabble).So if you’re on a Christmas break from university, college or work, I fully expect you to indulge in this brain-rotting drivel. After all, it wouldn’t be Christmas if there wasn’t brain-rotting drivel to drown ourselves in. Rubbish reality provides a much needed break from the true dullness of Christmas.
