Pro-protest Post: Millbank 'riots' as told by someone who ACTUALLY went to demonstrate

Protesting gets you out of college. Protesting is good exercise, which means potentially less self-loathing. Protesting is a fun way to learn that ‘buts’ and ‘cuts’ rhyme. Protesting is an enjoyable bonding experience. Protesting could possibly save you a fuckload of money.
I feel I appealed to most variations of people with my reasoning. If you need any more reasons I attended the NUS ‘Fund Our Future’ protest in London last week, you can leave me a comment and I will personally find you and break down exactly why my generation don’t deserve to have to shell out ridiculously huge amounts of money, have their futures shrouded by debt and possibly miss out on higher education all together. On Wednesday morning after 2nd period, I hopped on the train with some equally minded individuals (in other words, my friends who bothered going) and made it up to London. As Queen of all dumbasses, I thought the small amount of people I saw walking towards the meeting place were the only attendees of the march. After seeing about ten people with banners, I contemplated my support for the cause. It was only when we arrived to see the huge crowd, taking up so much space we couldn’t even see who was making the speeches, that I got into the spirit of things and made an embarrassingly shaggy placard out of the back of a notepad. It read ‘what’s the story, traitor and Tory?’ and on the back, to acknowledge how lacking my efforts were, ‘I’m so poor I couldn’t even afford a real banner’.

The protest itself was a bit of a laugh. At some points it was hard to distinguish between the protest atmosphere and a just-got-to-a-festival feeling, where everybody you meet is sober and overly-nice to you because they’re not expecting rain (or in this case, a riot). As a whole, 99% of the whole thing was spent walking really slowly and shouting ‘SHAME! SHAME! SHAME ON YOU! SHAME ON YOU FOR TURNING BLUE’, ‘NO IFS, NO BUTS, NO EDUCATION CUTS!’ or my personal favourite, ‘JUDAS CLEGG!’ , and as far as I can see everybody there was really into what we were doing; so shucks to everyone who said ‘no one there even knows what they’re protesting about..yaddah yaddah yaddah...’. I’m pretty sure people don’t bother to travel from as far as Ireland and Scotland, make huge banners and commit an entire day to a cause they haven’t bothered researching. Contrary to the bogus spiel Sky News and the BBC have fed the public, most of the protest consisted of shouting, walking and chatting with fellow protesters. There wasn’t a hint of revolt, a trace of violence or any other sort of suggestion things would turn sour, until we got to Millbank.

You couldn’t miss it. Aside from the obvious huge crowd leaking out of the place, some enthusiastic young specimen was stood outside yelling ‘that’s where the Tories make all their decisions! Let’s get ‘em!’, so off we wandered into the abyss of shouty teenagers and ‘crusty anarchists’. The whole thing was crazy and pretty fun, unless you’re the world’s biggest pussy like me. I ran as far/fast as I could every time someone set off a flare, and I wasn’t exactly one to stick around when some fat emo chick set her deodorant can on fire. To be honest, the whole thing was a bit too ‘Sunday night at Reading’ for me. My cohorts and I completely missed the integral smashing of the window because our stomachs got the better of us and we decided a quick trip to Pizza Express wouldn’t hurt, which meant when we came out we didn’t understand how so many people were on the roof/why the building suddenly seemed considerably worse of the wear. I liked the part where loads of random people with drums and symbols and bells came out of nowhere and started playing an endless ‘no ifs! No buts! No education cuts!’ song, but other than that he whole thing was pretty fruitless for those too scared to get to the front. The height of my anarchy was kicking a bush and throwing a parker pen at a window, only to miss and hit some poor girl in the face.

All in all a day well spent? I don’t feel we are any closer to our goal. But after a day spent waving cardboard and shouting my throat sore, I don’t regret it. We were part of history – however events go from here will determine how much so – but I definitely feel like I was PART of something. And a note to everyone who’s been whining ‘the violence just belittled our cause, no one is going to listen now’: no one was going to listen to us anyway, so it’s just as well we inconvenienced some assholes by trashing a reception. Or in my case, kicking a bush.

Vodka and Choke

Excuse the quality of this blog as I have just woken up with a thunderous head, achy eyes and a throat and tongue so dry it makes me wonder whether I decided to drink sand rather than copious amounts of alcohol last night.

Saturday night out for T.M’s birthday promised to be an event not to be missed – with S.M.J playing tasty dubstep, a room full of attractive people and a few over 18s bands, alcohol was steadily consumed by all. 9PM and I arrive, looking what I suppose is fairly plain but also quite nice, in a new cream dress and heels – albeit to a sneaky bottle of vodka stashed down my tights.

Cut to 2AM and you’ll meet a different girl; soggy footed and carrying my shoes, wrapped in a stolen floor matt from some sort of cupboard, my new cream dress now carrying some interesting black marks from where I’ve given up all hope of getting home and just sat on the curb. Hobbling across the streets of Shepperton and Sunbury, F.B and I have what I thought was a deep and meaningful conversation – in retrospect we talked about Tumblr, 4Chan and who was more ‘indie’.

Thinking back over the night, it’s easy to see when a more sober and rational version of myself would have come in handy. On seeing friends, who will doubtlessly regret it, engaging in a face-sucking session, my immediate reaction was ‘WHHHEYYYYY’, rather than whisking someone away before the heartbreak and disappointment. And when introduced to a friend’s boyfriend for the first time, I’m baffled as to why I thought it was a good idea to sit throwing crisps in her hair and giggling, whilst he glared daggers at me from across the table. I’m equally baffled as to why I thought it was comforting to tell a sad friend all about how much I fancied my boyfriend before he asked me out, or how I once saw a guy she thought was attractive, throwing up everywhere at some other party. I can only thank my busted-up Blackberry for dying halfway through the night, as it saved me from sending embarrassing ‘I1 looeve youuo sow musndch’ texts to E.B, and meant my poor father only had to receive one ‘I’m not coming home yet, see ya tomorrow’, slurred phonecall.

I didn’t mean to end up like this, I honestly didn’t. I just have that awful mindset of ‘oh, one more won’t hurt’, and ‘oh well, might as well have another, keep up with everyone else’, not realising that YES, one more WILL hurt, perhaps not now, but in the morning or when I next check how much money I spent, this one will definitely hurt.
So it is for the sake of my health, mind, clothes and purse that I have chosen to not drink for the whole of November. Amongst other things, abstaining from alcohol for a month is hopefully going to make me feel better about my life. And even if it doesn’t, I’ll have saved my liver some work. I love the flabbergasted reaction everyone seems to have to my choice – ‘not DRINKING?! But what about all the 18ths?’. Well, I suppose I will just have to celebrate the fact you can vote, smoke, get properly arrested, get into clubs, gamble, marry without your parents knowing...

Wild Beasts

Being a vegetarian for 13 years of your life has a few existence-altering effects, beside a low iron intake and an impossibility to find anything decent to eat in 90%of restaurants. And if you were wondering, yes, all I eat is lettuce, and how did you guess, I definitely do want to marry a carrot. Aside from casual bullying and mild inconvenience, it’s something bigger – a fascination with animals. I can sit for hour upon hour, glued to the screen watching Monkey Madness and Meerkat Manor – those little guys never fail to cheer me up or to spark my interest. As a child, I was one of those odd animal-obsessed kids, and was obsessed with the idea of owning a pet lima, pony, kitten, rabbit, lion cub... the list goes on.

So I pretty much thought I’d seen it all – apparently not. Through some excess spare time and a spare bit of googling, I’ve discovered the most astonishing creatures, ones I had no clue existed. These will make your jaw drop, your eyes pop and I can grantee one or two of you will shit a brick at a few of these animals and insects. I’ve gathered the ten most mind-blowing freaks of nature in this list. If you can find anything I’ve missed, I’ll eat my hat – no, screw that, I’ll eat a Rhino Beatle.


10. Proboscis Monkey



This bulbous-nosed monkey may have a huge snout and a bulging belly, but he also is very human-like in appearance. These primates are huge, at an average 72 cm, with an up to 75 cm tail, and weighing up to 24 kg. They tower above the smaller females. They jump a lot as a form of movement, often with their hands out.

9. Micro/Mini pigs



Making something smaller doesn’t necessarily make it ten times cuter, but in the case of these adorable pets, this rule works every time. These teacup-sized pigs were made through selective breeding, initially for medical research, but soon caught media attention and are now bought as pets. Pigs will cost you £500-£700 averagely so don’t go putting them on your Christmas list just yet.

8. Seapigs
Otherwise known as Scotoplanes, sea pigs are found in the very deepest crevices of the ocean, at least 1,000 meters down. Not sure why

they’re called seapigs, because to me they look like inflated condoms. Perhaps I’m just cruder than animal specialists.

7. Star-nosed mole

Residing in North America, this little guy has twenty-two fleshly tntacles to search out his food. His odd nose kind of reminds me of those little frog things children stick to windows. I’m not entirely sure why children stick these things to windows – how is this entertainment? Imagine waking up with those tentacles on your face... Shudder.

6. Komondor Dog

No, it’s not a mop. Nor is it a collection of abused dreadlocks. This is the komondor dog, a large canine with the most fur of any species of dog. I think he’d come in useful in a carwash, but other than that this must be the most high-maintenance dog on Earth.

5. Rhino/Scarab Beetle


If the above video doesn’t make your skin crawl, I think there’s something wrong with you. They’re nocturnal so don’t you dare sleep tonight.

4. White turtle


I don’t think I have to liken this weird, flesh-coloured creature to anything; you can make your own various likenings, depending on the dirtiness of your mind. This little guy is just a normal turtle aside from his odd colouring.

3. Blob fish


Formally known as Psychrolutes Marcidus, these deep sea living creatures sort of resemble a melted fetus. ‘Blobs’ are slightly less dense than seawater, so they float just above the sea bed and swallow edible matter when it passes. Also, they are the splitting image of David Cameron.

2. Aye-aye


Probably the ugliest of the bunch, the aye-aye is a form of lemur, habituated in Madagascar. It’s a nocturnal creature, and its most prominent features are its huge ears and teeth. I don’t know about you, but I think the aye-aye looks like an electrocuted rat.

1. Flying Fox
With a fox-like head and bat-winged body, the flying fox is a jaw-dropping creature. The p.vampyrus is the largest breed, as wings span up to six foot. Most of the p.Vampyrus and Indian flying fox are the size of a child, as seen in the picture above. These odd beings live on nectar and fruits, so don’t panic too much.