AAAC and the power of bullshitting

It’s midnight, and I’m at a friend of EB’s house. Halfway through a film I’m not following, someone jolts us all out of our daze and announces ‘the results are up’.

I’m not the best person with nerves, I’m not going to lie. Especially when it comes to exams. During two of my maths modules for GCSE, I broke down into full-on tears – a difficult feat to hide in a silent exam hall. This time I’ve been just as bad; recurrent nightmares about results envelopes that won’t open, never ending corridors at college and trying to ask people where I can find my results, but no one will listen. The worst one by far involved me getting straight Ds.
So it’s with a jittering stomach I sit down at TG’s house to check my results, logging in seems to take years, and I swear this iMac is taking longer on purpose...AAAC. AAAC. AAAC. I literally could not believe my eyes, is there a mistake? I check the page again. This looks like my account, but it must be wrong, I could never have passed. As the moments pass and it sinks in, I cast around for my phone and ring home. A groggy voice answers, and I tell my mother my results – ‘oooh, well done Claire’. Dad’s reaction is hardly more encouraging – ‘oh. What was the C in?’.After that overwhelming enthusiasm, it’s a little uncomfortable breaking the news to the rest of the group. I text round a few close friends asking after results, but the only a few give me friendly responses. The only sincere-sounding congratulations come from S.C, who takes a 2-year course so didn’t get any results.

As the early hours of Thursday morning creep further upon us, I ponder my results. It becomes clear to me how tactical I have been with my subject choices of English Language, History, Sociology and Philosophy. They all play on my number one strength – the ability to bullshit. These subjects don’t really require facts, to an extent. They require 2 hours of sitting stiffly with a pen jammed in your hand, arguing your point with whatever the hell you can think of you can back it up with. Sociology is basically writing whatever comes to mind, and backing it up with made-up sociologists; ‘on the other hand, Rememdoo had a theory which suggests the opposite...’, blah blah blah, bullshit bullshit bullshit. History and English Language are basically the same feat, they just need a few technical terms and dates thrown around for good measure. Philosophy, my grade C, needs reasoning and counter-arguments – clearly my downfall. I can still remember reading the paper 2 question now, ‘how does art illuminate our experience?’, and thinking to myself ‘jeez, how the hell do I get out of this one?’.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to undermine my results to make you feel better about yours. I am just pointing out that everyone who took Maths, Chemistry, Physics and the like and making a vital errior. There is no leeway to lie, debate and fabricate your way through an exam. So for everyone who’s kicking themselves for their Ds and Es, take a lead out of my book and invest in some Sociology.