Tramp Whistles

Since about the age of fifteen, young girls are thrown out of the innocence of puberty and into an unfamiliar new body. Don’t worry boys – this piece isn’t going to be about the inconvenience of periods (although I could probably write you an entire essay on that), it’s about something a whole lot more awkward. It’s about heckling.

And I’m not saying my only problem with heckling is its awkward premise – hell no. Many a peaceful walk back from the train station has been interrupted by some absolute joker honking their horn. I have to say it’s definitely a problem I encountered much more as a blonde. Yellow-headed ladies are quite easy to pick out, and therefore the obvious and rational action to take is to scare the absolute shit out of them by blasting a horn. And what the hell is the appropriate reaction to this? Should one yell ‘OH THANKS’ after the car? I like to make a point of staring potential horn-honkers out in traffic jams – a stern look that says ‘I am not a lady to be tooted’ hopefully keeping my journey honk-free.

But another embarrassingly awful heckle; the one it pains me to think about, is Tramp-Whistling. I understand you don’t have a job and your days must get pretty long, but it’s just embarrassing for everyone involved. As my dear friend A.O put it, ’what do they expect you to do? Say “oh hey, I know you haven’t washed in a while but I’ll definitely come sit on your face!”’.
What has to be the epitome of bad heckling is when it’s done face-to-face. Most common in builders, chavs and other underdeveloped forms of human DNA. Because it’s never something nice said. It’s never something a girl would genuinely take as a compliment. It’s just a reinforcement of some bloke’s masculinity, and the humiliation of the poor soul who’s heckled-at. I know some girls bring it on themselves, but is it really necessary? I will never forget the humiliating day some charming builder in Egham walked by me, gestured to his friend and said ‘...pair o’ tits like that’ – much the amusement of J.T, and much to the embarrassment of me. So guys, next time you consider shouting ‘ALRIGHT LOVE, NICE LEGS’ at some poor girl, just think about how undignified you’d feel if some Vicky Pollard shouted ‘ELLO DARLING, GET YA DICK OUT’ at YOU.

Facebook Faux-pas

Ah, Facebook. You graciously took the baton from Myspace as the most-addictive social networking website of my generation, and thus also took the responsibility of not only ‘keeping people connected’ and ‘reuniting old friends’, but you also hold the reigns to the world’s biggest popularity contest.
Most of us will recall standard Myspace protocol – adding utter randomers in order to boost your friend count, and hours spent writing just the right amount of ‘About Me’. Lest we forget Myspace bulletins begging strangers for ‘pic for pic’ comments on your new default. I must admit, I am guilty of at one time having the Myspace name ‘CLERR ™’, and a comment box with the words ‘OI FAGGOT’ written in (yes, it does make me painfully cringe to think of this time in my life). But now we’re all older and better, surely we must have learned from those fatal and painfully cringeworthy mistakes? Apparently not. Here is a list of the utmost embarrassing Facebook antics I have encountered.

Making your profile picture be a picture of your car
Sorry, I didn’t realise you were a transformer? Congrats on passing your test and all, but people have owned cars before, and will continue to do so in the future. The bottom line is, your semi-shit lump of metal makes you look like one of those guys who get randy with their cars. How about a nice shot of your face, I’m sure it will do you more favours than your Golf/Fiesta/etc will.

Making your profile picture be a picture of you sucking your boyfriend/girlfriend’s face
It makes me laugh when people do this. It’s like a really aggressive way of saying “I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP, APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP AND AM GETTING MORE THAN YOU”. It’s like a Public Display of Affection, but to EVERYONE you know, including your family.

Adding people you don’t know to make yourself look more popular
I thought we were all older, better and wiser than the Myspace days? Hang on, maybe not seeing as this behaviour is common amongst the darling little 15-year-olds. The only upside to this is when some legend writes ‘Err, do I know you?’ on their wall. Priceless.

Updating your status every 30 minutes (or more)
You’re in a car, on a train, hungry, with ‘da girlies’, getting drunk, bored... Useless information, please refrain.

Writing valuable pieces of ‘wisdom’ as your Facebook status
These are actually quite funny – they’re the sort of cliché morals people used to put in their MSN names back in the day. ‘What’s better – a lie that draws or a smile or a truth that draws a tear?’. It's funnies when it's someone chavvy who have clearly copy-and-pasted from somewhere else because otherwise I could not fathom how they could have managed spelling words with more than 4 letters.

Profile picturing pictures of you ‘really drunk’ or ‘on drugs’ or ‘smoking’ because it makes you l ook HARDCORE.
This one is the one that gets most on my tits, especially when it’s done by 14/15 year olds seeking validation by showing how ‘grown up’ they are. It has the complete opposite effect. You holding a spliff or ToTaLlY DrAnK oFf Y@ NuT$$ doesn't do you any favours. Oh, and pictures of girls getting off with each other whilst drunk with comments underneath like 'OH MY GASH I WAS SEW WASTUD' are also painfully embarrassing. Again, refrain.

Sorry to any of my nearest and dearest who do any of these things. It is likely this isn’t targeted at you, so don’t worry my loves. And to the rest of you, I do realise I’m a sour old bitch for hating everything you do. Sigh, perhaps I should just stick to Tumblr...