Tall Stories

Jwoww, I feel your pain.

Wish to be the second ever female Prime Minister in the UK. Wish for longer nails. Wish that you could play the piano. Hell, knock yourself out and wish for a pet tiger if you like, just promise me one thing. Promise me that you will never wish to be tall. I recently discovered that the national average height for women is 5”4 1/2 , making me exactly four inches more than your everyday lady. My height is something I sincerely resent, although most people are confused as to why.

Despite the fact that Barbie would allegedly be 5"9 if she was a real human being, it doesn't change the fact that towering above most other women is hardly attractive. I have come to the conclusion that most high street clothes designers either hate tall girls or they just do not realise they exist. Surely this explains why 99% of jumpsuits result in a permanent wedgie, while a considerable amount of dresses barely cover my hips. 

A common misconception among men and some women is that women wear high heels for the height. Oh deary me, you poor misunderstanding fools, evidently you have not noticed the shocking difference between a woman’s figure when she is wearing sensible flats and when she is wearing a towering platform heel. Not only do her legs look far longer, but they also look slimmer and more toned (probably because most of her leg muscles are tensed at all times to keep her from toppling over). A platform heel can make even the stumpiest legs go from tree trunks to bamboo sticks.

I suffer from something I like to call Jwoww Syndrome. Those of you who follow the fistpump-tastic Jersey Shore, you may have noticed a considerable height difference between three of the show’s most lovable girls. Yes, I am referring to 5”8.5 JWOWW, and 4”9 Snooki and Deena.

Jwoww Syndrome involves being 5”7 or taller, but having best girlfriends who are over four inches smaller. For instance, I measure in at 5”8.5, the EXACT same height as Jwoww, yet two of my best girl buddies are a diddy 5”2. No, our height differences are not of Jwow-Snooki-Deena proportions, but it still leaves me towering above them on many occasions. Things get even more ridiculous when I wear my favorite shoes and one of my smaller companions decides to remove hers.

Being small has so many benefits. You have an ultimate advantage in any limbo competition, more chance of getting away with a child fare and if worst comes to worst and you don’t get away with a child fare, you can squeeze into smaller hiding places. But the ultimate advantage of being tiny is that you have a much higher chance of men being taller than you. After a googling rampage, I was devastated to fid out that Simon Davidian is 5”6, Tom Felton is 5”8.5, Bam Margera is 5”8, Alex Day is 5”9, Ian Somerhalder is 5”9, Alex Turner is 5”9.5 and Penn Badgley is 5”10. Small men = no heels for me. How could I ever go out with any of these men if they couldn’t buy me Louboutins? You see my dilemma.

It isn’t all bad though; Paul Wesley is 6”, Bobby Sabel is also 6”0, Ash Stymest is 6”1, Johnny Knoxville is also 6”1, Josh Holloway is also 6”1, Julian Casablancas is 6”2 and Russell Brand is also 6”2. There is still hope for us, tall ladies.

And although I do hate being a giant amongst small, delicate girls, I feel as though maybe Jwoww and I are just being given a hard time. In fact I am pretty sure that we are actually a reasonable height, it's just everybody else in the world is really really abnormally small.